


zemblanity

by Ireum_is_jimin



Category: jikook - Fandom, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Death, Jikook Bingo 2020, Jikook Week, M/M, Sad, Sad Ending, bts alternate universe, cheating but not really, jikook - Freeform, vkook
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:40:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26048914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ireum_is_jimin/pseuds/Ireum_is_jimin
Summary: Taehyung still gets confused at times as to why did he exactly choose this profession when he can’t handle all the blood and mess he gets to see on almost weekly basis. He thinks he could’ve been anything, a photographer, a model, an idol, a doctor, a farmer. He just can’t point out why exactly he decided to be a policeman. He shakes his head at his own recurring stupid thoughts, pulling out a cigarette from his coat pocket and lighter from his jeans pocket.He gasps for the second time that day, body leaning heavily on wall when he sees the picture of the deceased. The boy was beautiful, beyond beautiful. Crescent eyes, full soft lips, sharp jawline, high cheekbones, the cutest and prettiest boy taehyung has ever seen, or seen a  picture of. The said face is not so good looking in it’s current state (he couldn’t look at it for more than 5 secs). There’s a stamp of red ‘deceased’ under the picture and the details are below it.Name- park jiminAge- 23Gender- maleGuardians- orphan, no friends recordWorked at- Student at Seoul University, major-danceFound by- neighbour suspected and called the policeCause of death- blood lose from slit wristAssumption on the act- suicide
Relationships: Jeon Jungkook/ Kim Taehyung, Jeon Jungkook/ Park Jimin
Comments: 16
Kudos: 19





	zemblanity

**Author's Note:**

> well, this is my first story, first time posting on ao3 actually, and am very nervous. I have already warned readers about major character death, also about the cheating part, some people would think of it as otherwise, contradictory to what I have to say in this book, but please bare with me. I hope you all like it
> 
> Well this fic is now translated in russian thanks to https://archiveofourown.org/users/qqxqqx  
> Link to the translation : https://ficbook.net/readfic/10341428

4th june 2020

When taehyung enters the apartment, his breath catches in his throat and his nose picks up the foul smell immediately. 3 years into this job and he still can’t stand this particular foul smell. Smell of death. There are policemen, forensics scattered in the hall, gathering evidence. Body is no where to be seen, he supposes it’s the door on his left from where the odour is coming off strong, is where the body is. Judging by the intensity, atleast 2 or 3 days must have passed since the guy, resident of this apartment is dead. He automatically moves towards the room, a hand covering his masked mouth and nose. He stops in the doorway, it’s a bathroom. He sees a dreadful but used to site.  
The guy’s body is lying on the floor besides the bathtub, pale and light green patches at some parts. He was wearing only a black hoodie and black shorts. His wrist is cut deep at where taehyung knows is his artery. Dried blood pooled near his wrist and head, his head almost glued to the dried blood and there’s a trail of faint red from there till the outlet of the bathroom, due to declined floor. He turns around when he’s done observing everything and the site is absolutely too much to look at now. He calls for his assistant and asks for the file, telling him he will be waiting outside, cause the smell’s too much for his sensitive nose.

Taehyung still gets confused at times as to why did he exactly choose this profession when he can’t handle all the blood and mess he gets to see on almost weekly basis. He thinks he could’ve been anything, a photographer, a model, an idol, a doctor, a farmer. He just can’t point out why exactly he decided to be a policeman. He shakes his head at his own recurring stupid thoughts, pulling out a cigarette from his coat pocket and lighter from his jeans pocket. He brings the death stick to his mouth and lights it, inhaling professionally and exhaling slowly. Creating a dramatic smokey cloud around him in the cold morning, despite the time being 11 o clock, the weather is cold and the day is dark, clouds covering up the entire sky. He decided to quit so many times he’s lost count of it. But smoking keeps him sane, grounded, helps him get through all the bloody mess.

He’s having a last drag when his assistant brings him the file. He crushes the cigarette under his own feet before waving a dismissive hand at his assistant.

He gasps for the second time that day, body leaning heavily on wall when he sees the picture of the deceased. The boy was beautiful, beyond beautiful. Crescent eyes, full soft lips, sharp jawline, high cheekbones, the cutest and prettiest boy taehyung has ever seen, or seen a picture of. The said face is not so good looking in it’s current state (he couldn’t look at it for more than 5 secs). There’s a stamp of red ‘deceased’ under the picture and the details are below it.

Name- park jimin  
Age- 23  
Gender- male  
Guardians- orphan, no friends record  
Worked at- Student at Seoul University, major-dance  
Found by- neighbour suspected and called the police  
Cause of death- blood lose from slit wrist  
Assumption on the act- suicide

He inhales deeply, his chest aches suddenly, tears starting to pool in his eyes. He quickly looks up and blinks, he can’t cry, not hear, not anywhere, he’s a police officer for god’s sake. He shouldn’t be so much affected by a suicide (well it’s crystal clear it’s suicide) case, and what’s he’s gonna cry for?? A stranger??. A nobody in his life. Maybe it’s the fact that it is a NOBODY’S death, but he’s seen orphans die before, even saw brutal murders. Maybe it’s the fact that they are same age, the thought itself is ridiculous, most suicide cases are of the people from 20-40 age. What’s so special about this one. He thinks he knows but can’t place a finger on it. Has he heard the name before? He knows many jimins, it’s a very common name after all, gender neutral even. Why is he even bothered so much, why is this jimin so special? That he is so hurt and his chest is all aching and exploding with sadness. He should just close the file and stamp it and seal it as a suicide case and just go on with his life. Then why is he so tempted to go and see the body again, touch it even, caress it, plan a funeral cause he knows this boy won’t get one. LONELINESS?? Is it the fact that the guy was lonely and so is taehyung??  
For a moment he felt his heart stop beating, but soon he composed himself again. How can taehyung be lonely though? He had everything he ever wanted, a good husband, very understanding parents, well paying and taehyung would dare say adventurous job. He and his husband are even planning to adopt a child. Then why was taehyung lonely. 

Shaking his head he headed back to his jeep. He needs to focus on the case and stop getting lost in his own head for damn every second. He was about to climb in his jeep when his eyes landed on the stuff kept on the table outside the apartment. It was jimin’s. Some kind of evidence maybe. What caught his attention was a 2019 diary. And suddenly he was tempted to grab it and shove it away from the rest of the world. God damnit, what is he doing…?? Stealing an evidence when he doesn’t even need to? he could easily get it.. it’s his case after all. But why did it feel so wrong to let anyone else read it? Despite his better knowledge and morals, he picked up the diary anyway and headed straight back to his vehicle. Not even wasting a minute before driving away. Drive away to the safety of his own house. He texted his colleague yoongi that he is taking leave early today, so that he could enter his name in the maintained register.

Drive home wasn’t long. He was soon sitting on his couch, not bothering with changing clothes or washing up. He set the diary on the tea table, not sure if he should really read it or….? Or what?? He stole a fuckin diary from an evidence bag of a dead person just to stare at it?? What is wrong with him today??? Why is he so nervous about reading a damn diary ( of a dead person)? Why was he asking so many questions?? Why was he sweating? 

Fuck it! 

He wanted to laugh at how his hands were trembling while he held the diary, as if the touch was burning him, scarring him for forever. It took him 3 dramatic long breaths to calm the fuck down. And finally he opened it.

He was again attacked by the same crescent eyes and a full smile, so genuine so pure, one would think he is the happiest man if not dead. The picture was a perfect depiction of joy. Eyes crinkling from the pressure of his smile. Park jimin was definitely the second most beautiful, first was his husband ofcourse. He Chuckled a little at the thought. 

He turned the page. Park jimin started writing directly on 16th February 2019. He put his glasses on and began reading.

I was at this bar today, where hoseok hyung works as a bartender. He invited me actually… omg I can’t believe I am writing all this shit… but I need to, otherwise I will explode.. lol… whatever, the sole purpose I am wasting my time here is cause I don’t wanna forget today, cause today was beautiful, the man I met today was beautiful or more like sexy af lol. I wanna see him again though, we didn’t talk, we just kept staring at each other, the whole time. I knew the man wanted me but fuck me am a coward and so is he apparently. That gaze, I can never forget how it pierced my heart. Is this sounding like some porn magazine? Lol idc, that man did look like he was straight out of wet dreams. Man I wanted to just suck it up and approach him, but as I was gonna stand up and straight up march towards him, it was as if the man knew what I was gonna do and he immediately sprung outta the chair and literally ran towards the exit. Wow lol so much of coward and to say he was the one giving me all sexy and heated looks. Anyyywayyssss, I just can’t get him out of my memory now, ahh jinja this helps, I swear writing our shit up helps, gonna do it more.

3rd march 2019

Fuck fuck I saw him again and this time it was at the cafe I work at. Fuck broo, he looked so cute, literally opposite to how he looked at the bar or was it just my eyes deceiving me. I still can’t believe I saw him again… like what serendipity is this? It’s now starting to sound like a gay drama lol but he asked my name today, and god I wanted to coo so bad, there was a never ending pout on his face, cheeks all squishy, and he was BOUNCING on his feet. I mean wtf, is he a twin or something, though only one point adds up here, this guy and that guy at bar are same cause they both are cowards lol. Anyway I told him my name and slipped a tissue paper with my number on it with his bill, hope he doesn’t just tear it up and throw it away. And fuck fuck fuck, now that I realize, my dumbass never asked HIS name, waeeee, wae am I so stupid, he better text me now or am I gonna die lol.

15th march 2019

12 days and no text yet…. am sad although I knew he won’t text, maybe he didn’t even see the number or maybe he just didn’t want to see me again, or maybe I gave him a wrong number in hurry. Whatever, a bigger part of me is so upset right now, I don’t know… I just wanted to see him again. Maybe he won’t even cross the street where my cafe is cause he knows a dumb stalker works there. I wanna cry TT, the way he looked at me both times, I thought it was with the same feelings like me. And he asked me my name though….maybe he didn’t see my number afterall………fuck it I will go mad thinking about him.

6th April 2019

He showed up at the cafe today…… although with his friends….. but I could feel him continuously glancing at me…and I knew he did see my number, he was just avoiding me…I could see he was nervous… but boooommm, before leaving, he came up to me, telling his friends to wait outside until he pays the bill. And I was almost on the verge of fainting, god knows how i kept standing straight. He was beyond nervous, almost as if he expected me to blow up on him. Well I was upset not angry, how could I be? It was not his mistake if he didn’t want to see me again. Well I choked when he just grabbed my hand and shoved a piece of paper in my palm. And he ran away again, before I could even process what happened he ran away. For a moment he was so close and now I was standing alone. When my brain started functioning again, I carefully unfolded the paper, i instantly grimaced at the bad handwriting, it was my cafe’s tissue paper, so he must have scribbled on it in hurry, “ sorry, I didn’t text you because I was so afraid, I hope you still want to talk to me” and underneath it there was an equally un- understandable number written, so messy lol, but still he was so cute, I could melt right there. I am writing this after I have texted him, I saved his number as shybunny, cause yet again I failed to ask him his name, and he looks like a bunny so…I asked him if he wants to have a coffee at my cafe again tomorrow, maybe I jumped very high, but I have waited enough now.

7th april 2019

Today was….awkward at first. He was shy as usual, won’t meet my eyes, I didn’t know what to say. I asked him what would he like to order, and yikes he likes banana milk. We sat in a corner, silent for first five minutes and surprisingly it was him who broke the silence this time.. “what is your last name” he asked and I was about to fall from the chair laughing, seriously could he get anymore cute, I said am park jimin and he flushed and at last he told me his name “jeon junghyun”, doesn’t suit him, but it still is adorable. We talked so much after it, almost like a damn broke and we were flooding with so many questions. He told me he works at the tallest building two blocks down and that he is 21, I told him am still studying, mastering in dance and I saw the awe in his eyes at the mention of dance. He told me he likes to dance too. And he apparently can sing too, and is also good at sports and what not, he won’t stop talking about some stupid games he likes to play… but I listened to it all, how could I not, he has the most angelic voice I have ever heard, most cute smile I ever saw, doe like eyes so captivating I couldn’t look away for even a second. Soon it was time to part though, his colleague calling him to tell that he was late and the boss was beyond pissed, he stood up apologized for absolutely no reason and before I could tell him that he was gone.

It was 4 o clock in the evening and taehyung was still reading, his husband would come at 8pm, he needs to prepare dinner soon, but he can’t seem to stop reading, he will just order a takeout today. His husband likes outside junk anyways, he will be happy to see pizzas and burgers waiting for him at the dinner table. Taehyung kept reading, the diary now was written on more regular basis, skipping only 2 or 3 days, some times a weeks gap but that was rare. The entry dates which jimin wrote didn’t match the diary’s printed once. He just kept on writing with just a one page gap between each entry. Some entries would fit in one page and some took more than two, maybe that’s why he didn’t bother with matching the dates. Each entry showed how happy jimin was and how his relationship with this junghyun was progressing, he made a mental note to inform and enquire this guy, he hadn’t seen anyone like it was described here back at jimin’s place and neither did he receive any calls from his stations telling him that a guy is causing a commotion at the place looking for answers on jimin’s death. Maybe they broke up or something, taehyung is sure he would get worried if his husband didn’t answer his text or call for more than 3 days. He immediately texted his assistant requesting to send him a copy of jimin’s call logs. He proceeded to read further, pages after pages, there relation just got stronger, or so was written here by jimin himself. But one thing that taehyung found odd was none of the entries said about any kind of physical relation between the two, not even a kiss on cheek was mentioned. Maybe jimin didn’t like writing about intimate moments, but something as innocent as holding hands? No lines were written about how they both had their first kiss, although jimin often wrote about touching and feeling jungkook, and so it was odd. As if jimin knew the reader will have this thought, he writes about it on 5th november 2019.

It happened again today, I thought junghyun will come around and be more open to physical closeness eventually, but no today after my nth attempt of kissing him, I realize something is not right. We never held hands, never did he even touched me neither did he allow me, even a brush of my hand against his and he would pull away so harshly I would think he was burnt. And yes I felt burnt too.. but in different ways, god how much I desire to just hold him and kiss those thin but perfect lips. I don’t know fuckin what is wrong with him. I tried to ask him if he doesn’t like me touching him or if he is sensitive in some ways or allergic, or any stupid reason, if he was afraid? But he just stood there, shaking his head at my every question. If he didn’t have any reason then what was wrong? Is it me? Do you not like me that way now? I asked him and I would’ve accepted that reason too but he just fucking shook his head again, and the just left without even a goodbye. I feel hurt, it’s just… idk how to solve this, idk if even he would see me again, maybe I fucked up but…. I can’t, I just can’t wait… so much pain I, I don’t know…

8th november 2019

He texted me to go and meet him and ofcourse I went. We didn’t talk what about happened last time. I decided he would tell me when he feels like it. But I needed to tell him this one thing, the three words jumping out of my mouth almost everytime I see him. I couldn’t hold back anymore and I confessed. I told him that I loved him, that I loved him since the first day I saw him, that I want to be with him forever. That I want to marry him one day. He was shocked at first, just stared at me for few minutes and I let him calm down. To let him form proper words but he just, I didn’t think he would…he just cried and cried and cried infront of me, not bothering to wipe away his tears and I was afraid to do it for him. We sat there for more than half an hour, just like that, him crying and me too after some time, just staring at each other and crying, and it felt like eternity before he got up to leave. But I couldn’t let him leave this time, I needed answers, I needed to know what he felt for me. So I stopped him on his way, holding his wrist tenderly and he didn’t pull away this time. His back facing me when I told him how hurt I am, how this is so unfair, that I needed answers. He listened to all my rants and at the end he simply hugged me, tightly, as if he to couldn’t let me go ever. I was so surprised I didn’t move at first but then I soon fell into that soothing feeling of his arms, so protecting and safe and comforting. I wanted to stay like that forever. If it meant he would be with me. But what I also felt was hurt, and it was junghyun who was hurt, I couldn’t understand, if he was so hurt too, why doesn’t he just suck it up and tell me, we can solve it I know, but he needs to tell me that, and I told him this and he just cried more, sobbing loudly and it broke my heart once again before he responded with a small nod. And even though I didn’t want to , we parted ways yet again. If we were gonna be together at some point in life, I just can’t wait for it come, this is too much, this pain, gloom is too much and I know he is feeling this too.

What could it be? Taehyung was feeling what jimin was feeling too, although he never actually went through such phase. It was always easy with his husband and him, everything went so smoothly and they were so sure of each others love that they married at a very young age of 21, that is taehyung was 21 and his husband was 19. It sounds ridiculous to some or better say everyone, but for taehyung and his baby, it sounded so perfect. Always so perfect. He can’t know what jimin was going through. He will never know. He wished he knew jimin before, so he would’ve been their for him, to guide him and maybe jimin would’ve been alive today.  
He glanced towards the clock, it was almost 6pm. He needed to finish this fast. He quickly skipped to the last page written and saw that it was not so far, only five six pages between it and the current page. He started with the last second entry. The pages after this all had big spots, taehyung knew it were tears soaked in the pages, ink smudged.

21st november 2019

Worst day of my life and at the same time the best. Best cause as soon as junghyun entered the threshold of my apartment for the first time, he kissed me. He kissed me so hard I almost fell back. I kissed him back with the same ferocity. And I could tell it was not ‘I am here for you now’ kiss, it was ‘this is the first and last time’ one. I felt tears in my eyes, but even this realization couldn’t stop me from kissing back. I thought if it was really gonna be the last time, better make the best of it. We kissed until our lungs begged for air, but nothing could stop us, we made out for what felt like hours and I knew it was just few minutes. And things never got more heated, even after so desperately wanting to feel each other through all this months, we weren’t aroused. It felt so much like a goodbye even though we just met. And as I thought, it WAS a goodbye. Worst day of my life cause junghyun finally gave me answers, and I realized how stupid I was to never consider this possibility. Junghyun told me things I couldn’t believe or better I didn’t want to believe. Junghyun told me he lied, not about how much he liked me, but he lied that his name was junghyun. He hid that he was single and unmarried. His name is jungkook and he has a husband named taehyung.

The diary fell on the floor with a loud thud. Taehyung’s hands shaking, body shaking, eyes tearing up, fats tears rolling down his cheeks. It can’t be, maybe he read it wrong. But then it all suddenly clicked, bunny smile, doe ears, JEON, and taehyung wanted to laugh at banana milk, but he just sobbed more. How did he never realize that his husband, his jungkook was in love with somebody else. How could he not see when his jungkook was lying and meeting somebody else behind his back. Suddenly he was so angry at this park jimin, how could he? Did he force jungkook to touch him afterwards, he needed to know, he wiped at his face harshly before picking up the diary once again. Tears made it impossible to read. He forced himself to take big breaths, calm himself down.

We sat on my couch, at far ends. None of us speaking, we both needed the silence. I was desperately searching for a solution but I knew I would find none, my mind raced with flashes of this taehyung and jungkook together, and I felt so much anger I could burst. But at the end it was my mistake too. Now that I knew how jungkook tasted, I wanted more, but no matter how I much I needed him, I wasn’t about to break somebody’s home. ‘do you love him’ I asked and I saw him shut his eyes close as if he knew I would ask this but he still wasn’t ready to answer. I saw his chest fall and rise in attempts to calm down. Eventually he replied with an honest yes. I asked an invalid question then,’more than me’ and he inhaled sharply. He replied that he loved us both equally. Silence fell upon us once again.  
Jungkook’s voice startled me when he started speaking again. ‘I love you too, loved you from the first time I saw you too, it was hard to forget your eyes even after days, but the first time at the bar, I just came there with my friend, wasn’t expecting myself to lose my shit like that, but then I saw you and I felt an urgent need to just kiss you then and there, but back in my mind I knew taehyung was waiting for me at home, I panicked and rushed home, in safety of taehyung arms. But fate played with both of us, we met again, and I couldn’t not ask your name. When you gave me your number, I considered texting you, but my sane part knew it was wrong so I threw it away. But as if that wasn’t enough, fate brought us together again, my friends wouldn’t listen to me, they dragged me to your cafe, I prayed to all gods that I don’t see you, but no, I saw you and saw the longing and doubts in your eyes, couldn’t take it. I didn’t want to lead you somewhere where I won’t be with you as you would wish. But guess what, park jimin, you are too beautiful inside and outside, I just couldn’t control myself and I approached you. We started seeing each other, more often and despite my very powerful urges of touching you, I acted against it, I couldn’t cheat on taehyung never, even though I just did. I always saw how hurt you were when I rejected you advances always, but I thought this constant rejection would push you away, make you hate me. And once again you attacked me with those words I never wanted to hear from your mouth and I felt my earth slipping from underneath my own feet, my world crushing down. How much I wanted to tell you the same that day, god I hated myself so much that I made you cry, hurt you so bad, but my hands were bound you know, I couldn’t wipe yours tears, I hated myself because I let us come this far, with no chance of turning back. And I hate myself even more for kissing, and now I am telling you all this. Hurting you and breaking you beyond repair. And I can’t do shit about it. And I will always hate myself for that, but believe me, I never lied to you about how much I love you. I will suffer equally jimin, but I can’t let taehyung suffer because of my stupid mistake’.  
It pained me so much to hear all that, to hear him saying us was a mistake, but he was right it was. We were a mistake. The loveliest mistake of my life. There was no turning back but there was future, future of three guys, which I decided to save. I told him it was okay, that I would get over him. I told him that he should do the same and forget I ever met him. Told him that it was really the sweetest mistake of my life and told him to never see me again. No matter what. And I would do the same. He hesitated at the doorway, not wanting to leave but he had to, so I kissed him goodbye, last bittersweet peck on his lips and this time I did wipe his tears away, stealing one last kiss I closed the door with heavy heart and forced smile, he did the same and before I could watch him turn his back on me I shut the door. I am unable to sleep and I have class tomorrow morning.

His heart was pounding very fast in his chest, breaths laboured. Taehyung’s face was swollen and tears still were rolling down his cheeks. He was lying on the floor, diary clutched tight against his chest. All the anger towards park jimin vanished, left was a void. And no matter how hard he inhaled, that hollow never filled up. Taehyung wondered how life can be this cruel, how can it give everything in a moment just to snatch it all away in the other. Taehyung wondered how he never noticed jungkook’s internal wars. How he never saw through jungkook when they would cuddle cause jungkook’s day didn’t go well at the office. 

There was one more entry, last one, written on 30th may 2020. taehyung knew what was written there, he didn’t dare read it. Knows he can not read it without having a panic attack. He is still thinking about how he never saw jungkook cry even once in this period. How good of an actor was jungkook. Does he know that his lover is now dead? Will jungkook finally break at the news. Somehow taehyung felt he himself was at fault. Blaming himself cause jungkook couldn’t tell him the truth, cause jungkook couldn’t love another man because of him, and now that man was dead. Oh how guilty taehyung felt was beyond explanation, but at the same time somewhere in the back of his mind, a more rational part thought otherwise. He heard the door open, knowing very well who it was. Jungkook came in, looking tired, as soon as he noticed taehyung’s state, saw him crying on the floor, he immediately removed his shoes and dropped his bag and ran towards him. He sat besides him on the floor, gently lifting taehyung’s head and placing his thigh under it. He caressed his cheeks and stroked through his hair before asking ‘what happened baby?’ and all taehyung could do was let out a loud sob. Few minutes passed like that, jungkook patiently waiting for taehyung to calm down and talk. Taehyung wanted to yell at jungkook, ask him how could he do this to him, and more importantly how could he do this to jimin. His brain was telling him to get out of jungkook’s hold, curse at him for ever loving another, when he vowed to always love only him. His heart seemed more rational to him though, not ignoring the fact that jungkook never actually cheated on him, that this is taehyung’s fault that he couldn’t be there for jungkook’s inner turmoil. That jimin is dead.  
Jungkook seemed to notice the diary in taehyung’s hands, cause he is reaching out to gently pry it out of his hands. Taehyung doesn’t make any struggles to it, letting jungkook take it, cause jungkook deserves to know. He doesn’t turn his face, not wanting to look at jungkook’s pained expression. Giving him the privacy he needs, to let those emotions out.  
His heart wrenches when he hears a faint but seemingly loud gasp in the empty and silent hall. Clutching jungkook’s thighs hard enough to bruise and he knows jungkook needs the bruising touch to ground himself as much as he himself does. He hears no sound after that, only feels the vibration of jungkook’s body as wills himself to not cry out loud. Only feels the warm burning tears that land on taehyung’s cheeks. Taehyung hopes the tears burn his skin like a strong acid, he deserves it. He hears pages turn, and with each turning page, jungkook’s body tremble harder, and they sit like that for more than 3 hours.  
It’s when jungkook finally sobs loudly, that taehyung knows he’s reached the last entry. He hugs jungkook tighter, if that was possible with how close they are already. He couldn’t be there earlier, but he has to be here for jungkook now. Taehyung can’t make this about himself, not when he knows jungkook has suffered and is suffering more that 100 times than taehyung. He can’t imagine how much did it hurt jimin. 

30th may 2020  
Dear jungkook/ junghyun,  
I know you will probably never read this, but just in case you know. If you are reading this, it means I have successfully accomplished what I planned. And I know how much you would be blaming this upon yourself. But that is why I am writing this, to let you know that this is not your fault. It is me. I am weak enough to do this. I can’t handle letting go, it’s I who fell for you first without even thinking that you could be married, I forced you to fall for me. I know that I am disappointing you and I am so sorry you even have to read this, I am sorry that I met you. I know our relation ruined you too. But trust me when I say, the times that I was with you, each and every second, I don’t regret any of it, not even a second. And I will probably sound selfish, but I wanted more. I wanted more and it’s my fault. Don’t you dare think otherwise. I know this is probably a bad decision. But I also can’t live without you jungkook, not when I know that you are out there with your husband who loves as much as I do. Also I can’t live without feeling guilty, that while in the arms of your beloved husband, I made you think of me. You are a great man, your never cheated and I am proud of you. And I also wish you were not so great, that you would leave your family for me. And that’s why I think this is a good decision. Maybe in next life we could be together, I will be waiting. Will love you always jungkook. You are still my cute little bunny. Promise me to stay happy afterwards, maybe mourn a day or two, that will ease your heart. But please stay happy, that’s all I wish. And I know you love me enough to fulfill my every wish. I am glad I met you. Again, love you so much. Good bye.  
Always yours, park jimin.

The diary closed with a small thump, jungkook carefully keeping it down on the floor. Taehyung hears him murmuring under his breath, but he doesn’t catch it, asking him to repeat. And when he does taehyung wishes he hadn’t. “has he by any chance survived?” he asks. Taehyung’s mouth forgets how to from words, he can only cry harder and he does just that. And that is enough of an answer for jungkook. And suddenly he can’t feel anything, his body going numb. At the place between his chest where his heart beats, he can only feel a void there. No feelings, nothing. His head falls back, loudly colliding with the wall behind. But he feels no pain, he distinctly hears taehyung shouting his name, but all he can hear is jimin’s screams, telling him how he has managed to die finally, away from jungkook. He’s so called lover, who never was there for him, never loved him back enough. How he left him alone. Taehyung’s shaking his head, his brain registering it, but he pays no attention to it, taehyung is looking him directly in his eyes, but jungkook can only see jimin. Jimin crying, face contorted in such expressions jungkook never wanted to see. And jungkook knows jimin is crying because of him, that jimin is dead because of him. And everything blacks out. The last thing he registers is taehyung’s loud scream of his name and jimin’s smiling face, telling him he loves him.

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry, if there are any grammatical errors or spelling mistakes , this is not proofread, also please know that English is not my first language. and am also sorry if some readers found this one shot boring or tooo sad. but I originally planned for it to be exactly like this also sorry if this very short, but am happy at least completed this one, I have so many drafts saved. thank you so much for reading.


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